Editor’s note: This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Brett Allred vomited when he saw the pictures.
It had been a little over a week since his 23-year-old son Riley died by suicide in February. Bereft with grief, the 50-year-old public affairs professional decided to go through his son’s phone. He wanted to find something, anything, to make him feel better. Pictures of his son with friends. Pictures of him and Riley together.
Instead, he found something that made his stomach turn: Screenshots of a website where people encourage others to end their lives. Some of these people share step-by-step instructions on how to ensure death, with little-to-no-risk of surviving by accident.
The screenshots Allred found on Riley's phone, he says, were exactly in line with his son's manner of death. They were "as specific as a recipe making soufflé."
“If he hadn't have seen this, he would be alive today," Allred says. "He wouldn't have done this unless he knew it would guarantee success."
Now, Allred is sounding the alarm about this website and others like it so parents know the dangers their kids may encounter on the internet. By encouraging parents to crack down on internet safety and monitor their kids' web activity, he hopes he might prevent others from dying as his son did − and spare their loved ones the grief he now endures each day.
“Every day is an absolute nightmare. I am held hostage to this situation, and nobody's coming to pay the ransom," he says. "I can't escape. I can't be released from this. This is a life sentence. ... Until the day I die, I have to live with this and through this. I have to live for the fact that I no longer have a son.”
Suicide leaves a lasting grief
Allred knew Riley was troubled. Still, the severity is only clear in hindsight.
Riley had friends but spent entire days alone in his room playing videogames. He was on anti-depressants. He lived alone at one of Allred's houses in Oklahoma and neglected chores to the point the front lawn looked "like a jungle." He didn't take out the trash. He didn't clean the bathroom.
"It's just so strange, because, even though I noticed these behaviors, it just doesn't enter your mind like, 'Oh, my kid is suicidal,' " Allred says.
More:The new 988 mental health hotline could make 'all the difference,' experts say
Eventually, Allred says, he "drew a line in the sand" with Riley: His son had to keep up with household chores, or he had to move out. His son chose the latter, moving in with his mother and stepfather. It was at their home where he ended his life.
"My worst fear did in fact come true," Allred says. "My ex-wife, his mom, she did everything I did. Tried to get him help. Tough love, also easy love. We tried to be soft with him, then we tried to be firm with him. Just nothing seemed to work. Got him professional help. Nothing seemed to work."
It's unclear at what point Riley found the website. It's unclear if he sought it out or stumbled upon it.
Suicide prevention experts know about this website and others like it but, unfortunately, can't do much about them. Tia Dole, the chief 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline officer at Vibrant Emotional Health, says these websites often bill themselves as open forums and a protected form of free speech. A note on the site Riley viewed describes it as a place for uncensored discussion about suicide, though several messages on it give detailed instructions for various suicide methods. Search engines could try to push these websites down on results pages; however, as long as the sites still exists, Dole says anyone determined enough to find them likely will.
When someone's suicidal, she says, they're especially susceptible to messaging from others. That's why it's essential these people receive support from the right sources. When someone ends up on a website like this − no matter how they got there − they're likely in anguish and looking for some sort of solution.
"People who are feeling desperate are easily influenced by folks who are speaking the language that they want to hear," Dole says. "Anybody who's reaching out to talk to other people is help-seeking. We just have to connect them to the right helper."
The conversation parents and kids need to have
Allred feels immense guilt for his son's death. He believes that, if he checked Riley's phone, maybe he would have found that website. And maybe, if he'd realized just how badly his son was struggling, he could have done something before it was too late.
Dole understands these feelings and says they're common, especially for parents who lose children to suicide. However, she wants parents − and anyone touched by suicide − to know that suicide is a tragedy that seldom has to do with a particular person.
"It's never anybody's fault when someone dies by suicide," she says. "It's an act of desperation and hopelessness."
Suicide leaves us asking 'why?'In new memoir, journalist searches for answers
She also wants people to remember kids are often more tech-savvy than their parents: Even if parents do check their kids' technology, many kids can still easily hide what they're looking at.
What's more important, she says, is having your children feel comfortable sharing how they feel with you, without judgment or shame. Just listening can often go a long way.
"What people want to hear is, 'I can listen to what you have to say without telling you what to do about it,' " she says. "What people want to hear is, 'It's OK. You are normal. Lots of people feel this way, and there are resources for you.' "
More:Rate of suicide in the U.S. peaks among older men, a hard demographic to reach
Allred says he has good days and bad days. Sometimes, the bad days are “not too bad"; sometimes, they’re “absolutely awful.”
He finds hope, however, in sharing his story. By doing so, he wants to see more people rally against these websites. One day, he wants to see them banned.
He also wants people to remember Riley. His son would have turned 24 on July 28.
"He was such a good kid. He was funny. He was fun to be around. He has several female friends, and they're like, 'He protected me from creepy guys at the bar. He was kind of like a big brother,' " Allred says. "That's the kid I raised. That's my boy. I'm so proud to hear that. I'm so proud to hear so many people loved him."
Suicide Lifeline:If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call theU.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988any time, day or night, orchat online.
Crisis Text Lineprovides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they text "HOME" to 741741.
If you'd like to share your thoughts on grief with USA TODAY for possible use in a future story, please take this surveyhere.
